Friday, 15 February 2013

Number 4 - In Which The Sex Is Terrible.

We don't have sex that much.

That is not to say that neither of us wants it, it's just not necessarily something we want with each other.

Which is possibly not wholly true. I reckon he may want to have sex with me, but I would rather read a book or go to bed at 9pm and get a good 10 hour's sleep in.

It's dwindled, that whole sex thing. For a while I thought my sex drive had waned, but then upon closer examination (and a careful calculation of how many special batteries are used in this household) it turns out, I still have urges. Lots of them. But not to have sex with him.

I attempted to kick start this by buying a Sexy Fun Times deal via Groupon or Wowcher. One of them, I can't remember which. It comprised of a little vibrator for the lady, a buzzing cock ring for the gentleman, a blindfold and a sexy game for the lucky couple to play.

Well, the package arrived yesterday (in a discreet Jiffy, which is always a relief. I hate getting Sexy Fun Stuff which has an embarrassing franking on the front) and I opened the pack and delighted with the hoard. The buzzy cock thing buzzed and the sexy game looked sort of fun. But my vibrator was battery-less. I hate that. There is nothing as disappointing about getting out one's vibrator to find the batteries dead or missing. And to be really awkward, this bloody thing didn't use AAAs (which I'd assumed and bought 10 of). No. It used "N" batteries. Do you have any idea how hard it is to buy "N" batteries in our parochial little backwater?! I'll put you out of your misery. It is impossible. They are ostensibly for cameras and burglar alarms, so imagine the consternation on the sales assistant's face in Homebase when I asked for some, got told they didn't stock them, and then *may* have had a little strop.

In hindsight it might have been new-toy sexual frustration.

So, armed with a vibe that didn't vibe, I suggested for Valentine's Day that we had sex the normal, toy-less way. (He'd already turned his nose up at the buzzy cock ring.)

It was terrible. (I suspect this may need some quantifying.)

He drinks a fair bit. He states categorically that he is NOT an alcoholic, and I'd be inclined to reluctantly agree, given that he's not drinking four 2 litre bottles of Strongbow at breakfast, buoyed up throughout the day with more cider then some beer, wine and Vodka for dinner. But every single night he HAS to have a drink. Normally about three bottles of 7% cider, followed by five or six cans of ale. Sometimes he switches it up and has two bottles of wine. Sometimes, half a bottle of whisky. But whatever the night, alcohol will be present. I'd say he drinks between fifteen and twenty units a night. So, while not an alcoholic officially, there is a worrying dependence there. And despite what I do or say, it continues.

I've read that people with alcohol problems may struggle to get it up. Erections are not known for their longevity with your heavy drinkers. And in his case, this is sadly true. We can go about five or ten minutes before he gets the flop, and then sometimes it will come back, sometimes it won't. Yesterday was one of those times. I'm primed and ready; my tits look fabulous, my hair is clean and my skin is spot-free. My lady-garden is immaculate (the only garden I own that gets such attention - the ones attached to my actual house are actually a disaster) and I had taken the trouble to crack open a new bottle of sex lube as you just never know where the night may take you when it's been a while.

And so, let us begin the dance. Snog. Snog. Fingers begin to roam. Snog. Hands are in position. Commence mutual organ exploration... Several minutes later comes the actual penetration. It's a bit fumbly (it usually is) and away we go.

Aaaand flop.

It's at this point where I sense the softness and acknowledge his silence so see it as my womanly duty to slide on down there to see if I can be of assistance. Often I can be down here for a good half hour. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it's a case of "Hop on quick before it changes its mind!" Sometimes I hop on and it does change its mind. This was one of those times.

Move away guys, nothin' to see here.

As I rolled off, he kindly pointed out that as we hadn't done it for a while, his deflation and lack of orgasm on both our parts was my fault. Why? Because we hadn't had sex for a while (as I haven't wanted it). And because of this draught, his penis has FORGOTTEN HOW TO HAVE SEX.

The batteries came the next day, courtesy of expedited shipping from Amazon. One of us had an orgasm this week.

No comments:

Post a Comment